Did You Know

Did you know it would be like this

The rage the fear

Hateful words all in a twist

Driving my anger

Sadness twisted into shame

Why make it all a game

Did you know it would end this way

Your Mind

Fill me up with the wisdom of your mind

Tell me what you know

Unlock my thoughts with your  own

I thirst for more than the physical

My mind open and waiting

Fill me up with talk of science and math

Stories of the past

Tell me of history of faith

A reason to remember to continue on

I long to hear of stories of love and pain

How mountains are made

No longer will the simple maintain

Fill me with stories of lore

Gods, weather, storms and more

Tell me about how to survive

To stand up to all

From which I hide

Stories of the brave and the meek

All it is that others seek

I wish to be open, strong and brave

Tell me what it is that makes man this way

 

 

Child and Adolescent Mental Health #MHM — Kitt O’Malley

via Child and Adolescent Mental Health #MHM — Kitt O’Malley

Almost A Month

It has been almost a month since I separated from my husband. Everything is a struggle from finding housing to dealing with the emotional roller coaster. My husband is having a difficult time with our split. I have a hard time believing that it is more about me than the money problems he is facing. He wants me to come home to help with the finances and to work things out from there. I think in that order. I don’t think going home will change anything and I’m not sure that I want to. I am calmer being homeless then I was in my own home. I start seeing a counselor this week to help me work though some of my fears and anxiety. This has been a very triggering experience. Having my independence and ability to take care of my needs has been very healing. I have been going for walks and have lost a little weight. It is hard to know what I want to do right now.

My health has been improving some. My inflammation is down and I am able to taper off the prednisone. My Rheumatologist thinks we have found the right combination of medications for now. I have stopped taking the muscle relaxer for my neck. I think it was affecting my liver a little. I seem to be better off the med. I have been to the spine Dr and he and I decided that physical therapy would be worth a shot. I seem to be making progress. My shoulder is frozen along with the neck problems. My physical therapist said that this is a multi level problem. She is confident that we will make progress along with the warning that I will probably never be able to look up again. We have made some progress I am already sitting straighter and have reduced the pain and pressure in my ribs and shoulder. This has eased some of the numbness in my hand. This may mean that I can avoid neck surgery a little longer. So, here’s to Hope and Progress.

 

By, TJP

Not Your Fist

Your hand did not strike

No fist did you make

Your body was tense

A stance did you take

You may not have lost

The last bit of control

Your surly did strike to the depths of my soul

Your mind and your heart

Struck out with your tong

To bully

Harass

To strike fear in my heart

Your poisonous words

To rip us apart

I begged you to stop

Not the first time I fear

You showed me your darkness

It all became clear

Gather your thoughts

Your pain and your fear

Put them away so that maybe you’ll hear

You can not own what’s not yours to give

Find your kindness your reason to live

Tie it all up with a very nice bow

Learn from the pain

Change now and grow

Control only you

Your heart and your mind

May you never again hurt someone so kind

 

By, TJP

 

 

I Thought

I thought you were blind

You chose not to see

I thought you were deaf

You chose not to hear

I thought you were mute

You chose not to speak

I know these thoughts are not true

You have proven this by all that you do

Now I am gone

You see, hear and speak

I read your words that cut me so deep

I begged for your time

Your touch and your words

You refused to give

You chose to ignore

You have broken my heart

My spirit, my soul

Now I must heal

With out you,

Alone

I do not know if I can recover my love

I am tired and lost

My hopes are undone

Why is it now you see what’s been done

I needed you then

Compassion and love

 

 

By TJP

Look Up

Pick up your head

Take your eyes off the ground

Look at the others rushing around

Did you know they too have lives

All in pursuit of a life full of lies

Busy work clogs

Clutters the mind

Dimming our senses

Confusing our minds

We don’t have to be gears that grind

Spinning, circling, clinging to our own world

Never touching, seeing

Knowing nothing of the others

Lonely in a valley of our own making

 

By, TJP

 

 

 

You Know

I love you, this you know

I am angry driven mad with pain

I can not allow this to happen over again

My wounds are deep

My fear is great

My heart is broken

Try as you might

This can not be fixed with beautiful words

The danger is real too much pain I’ve endured

Nothing but time will tell us our fate

Please know I forgive you but it might be too late

 

By TJP

 

Changes in April

There have been many changes in my life over the last few months. Most recent I have left my husband. There are so many reasons, so many excuses. The only answer I can give is that we are not happy where we are and it had to change. We may seek couples counseling but right now I think individual counseling would be best. I am amazed by my own blindness sometimes. I am very sad about our separation. I have a lot of doubts and fears. There was so much anger in our relationship the last few years. I feel like I have failed. Enough of that for now.

My health has been up and down. I am now taking Methotrexate, Plaqunil, Prednisone and Folic acid for my Rheumatoid Arthritis. The inflammation is down a bit and I seem to be responding well to the medications. My pain levels have been tolerable on Tramidol and Metaxalone. My arthritis has spread to my feet and my neck. I have an appointment with a spine and wellness clinic to find out if I will need surgery and what if anything we can do to ease the pain and damage. I have started getting numbness in my right arm and hand. I am trying to stay positive. But I am under a good amount of stress right now.

My son was good enough to let me stay with him while I try to figure out where to go from here. I send many prayers up to the universe for my daughter and her soon to be born daughter. My youngest son is doing well and has a plan to start his life. I am very proud of my family. Life is a long difficult road and faith is the only way to get through. I don’t necessarily mean faith in a god. But faith in the world, in human kind and in ourselves. May we all find peace from what it is we suffer.

Confusion

Can you think when you don’t know
Can you know when you don’t think
Do you believe the lies you are told
Do you know the truth between the lies
Will you accept what you discover
Will you discover what is beyond acceptance
Can you grow without being fed
Can you be fed without growth
You can not hydrate without water
You can not have thirst without knowledge

By TJP